Tracks, 13 September 2024

Tracks really spoke to me regarding the concept that hurt people hurt people. But what was particularly powerful about this story, was that hurt people hurt themselves the most. Each of the three characters was locked in their own internal battle to be better than themselves—and in their way, they harmed themselves more than the world ever could.

The obvious place to begin discussing the theme of self harm comes from Simone (Laura Hooper), as she is the character with the physical scars on her body indicating literal self harm. Even before these were revealed to the audience, Simone came across as someone who hides her insecurities and individual pain in social justice advocacy. She does not see her pain as worthy compared to larger systemic issues, so she shuts down her emotions. She effectively prevented herself from learning emotion regulation, and thus behaves like a petulant child. She craves physical pain to ground herself in her body because she’s shut off her ability to process the ways in which hurting others always comes back around to hurting herself.

Jak (Alessandro Yokoyama) is coming towards life from the opposite direction—as an actual child struggling to contextualize his lived experience. In wanting to understand the injustice of the world, he throws away the personal connections in his life by thinking that everyone’s actions towards him, particularly his father, Mickey (Jason Alan Carvell)’s, are motivated by negative thoughts about him, rather than pain within themselves. Jak feels that the world punishes strangers without rhyme or reason, but that his mates and parents ask questions deliberately meant to harm him. In closing himself off to others’ perspectives and focusing only on the validity of his own, Jak harms himself.

Mickey’s form of self harm comes from hating his former self and trying to force himself to be who he wants to be, rather than acknowledging that it’s okay to be who he is. Mickey hides his past in a box and keeps the knowledge of his origins from his son out of a stated need to protect his son, but also an implied fear that acknowledging his past will cause more pain than ignoring it. When Mickey’s past and present collide with Simone arriving at his doorstep, Mickey runs away from both for hours, and comes back with a fire and anger that are very different from the gentle, loving character we’d previously seen. He does not have a character arc, because all of the pain that is building in him builds while he is offstage. Carvell has the biggest acting challenge of anyone onstage in this place because he has to come back as a different person with enough hints of the former person left inside for us to buy that this is the same Mickey. Like Simone, Mickey denies his own emotions. Like Jak, Mickey struggles to see his ability to impact others. But unlike both, Mickey’s suppression is rooted in gratitude for the people who have supported him. His form of self harm is negative self talk regarding not being able to be them.

Even beyond Jak’s actual monologues, many parts of this play felt like watching monologues. These characters were at war with themselves, not with each other. The changes created in each of them by the end came from the brief moments in which they connected with one another. These small recognitions of not being alone were powerful enough to rechart the course of their relationships with each other, and with themselves. At the end of the play, we see Simone leaving to confront a problem she created head on, Jak recognizing how much he can learn from letting his father in, and Mickey decides he’s ready to acknowledge and share his truths. Each character was essentially on track to derail their own lives at the beginning, but by the end each character was laying new tracks for a stronger foundation going forward. Tracks was moving, relatable, and engaging— heavy even in moments of levity but worth the emotional commitment. Leaving the theater, I turned my thoughts inward. In what ways do I harm my self? What do I have yet to acknowledge?

I attended this performance on a press pass from Berlin Rosen.